Yes, I saw the repetitive paragraph in my most recent post and fixed it immediately. However, if you received it via email, there’s not much I can do except say:
I stand by my motto to take “imperfect action over perfected inaction,” and sometimes I miss an error before hitting publish.
Let Them Theory was originally inspired by a poem entitled “Let Them” by artist Cassie Phillips. Mel was exposed to the poem, built her theory around its contexts, trademarked the phrase “Let Them,” effectively barring Phillips from monetizing her own poem. It’s possible some of the hesitations with her theory are also in the ways she plagiarized/ tried to extract a workable theory from what was originally a piece of art.
I read that after I wrote this! Come to think of it, I do remember the poem. And I think you’re right, sometimes I don’t always know what I’m sensing that’s “off” but I do believe that’s part of it. It’s crazy that she didn’t just acknowledge the poet! It wouldn’t have made her take on it any less … but not acknowledging her, AND changing the narrative to be about “her” theory going viral with tattoos and what not, is just another level of nasty. 🤮
YES. I have read that Substack, too. Long before the Let Them Theory came out, I had a weird relationship with Mel's work. Something that was just out of alignment with me. The Phillips story bummed me out. I know she's helped a lot of people, but that energy is not for me.
I’m finding myself anticipating the next published article by Heidi, here on substack. As someone who never listened to the cues her body was giving her, I read every word of this essay and even commonplaced it. And I have 16 notecards to prove it.
To speak to the Let Them message, at first I was pumping my fist in the air over it. But then it hit me too that this doesn’t work and isn’t appropriate, helpful, or healthy in all situations. So your points around the potential for emotional bypassing are valid, cautionary words to pay attention to.
Well, I like the concept of acceptance and letting go of what we can’t control. It’s also helpful for me as a recovering people pleaser to think, “Let them” especially in a situation or relationship where I don’t have frequent interaction or their behavior doesn’t highly impact me in a negative way. It helps me offer grace and forgiveness as well, surrendering them to the Lord as judge, not me. I think there’s more, but I can’t access the article while I’m typing 😉
For me, if we ‘let them’, when do we learn about rupture and repair? Key skills for a deep and healthy relationship. If something is off, I’m saying something, even if it’s just to ensure connection is maintained, even if I’m wrong and misread the cues that I thought created distance.
I’m not going to stay silent whilst distance is created through my own disengagement as I let them.
Also, and you talk about this… polyvagal theory, a huge part of my healing journey, and the work of Dr Dan Siegel on co regulation, and all the research on us being connection creatures… Let’s embrace the truth of all of this. That we heal relational wounds through healthy relationships.
So much about this book bothers me. Including Cassie being left out of the actual credit for the idea.
Wow Heidi, thank you so much for taking the time to write this. I haven't read Mel Robbins book (although I am curious about it) mostly because my gut feeling is somehow saying 'no'. Have you read Steve Biddulph's book Wild Creature Mind? It's based on Gendlin's work called Focusing and very much aligns with what you've written here. I have personal experience of burnout after living my life as a perfectionist, performing people pleaser and I'm 6 years into rewiring my brain and regulating a very dysregulated nervous system. No one writes about (I try to) the personal cost of being more assertive, tending to your own needs etc...the physical pain of feeling you're letting people down after a lifetime of trying to please everyone is excruciating! I always used to say I was invincible and had little idea what I was doing to myself, but now I'm more aware and less self critical, I'm slowly feeling more integrated. This is lifelong stuff, not a quick fix with no pushback. For anyone contemplating the journey, I'd say buckle up for a rough ride, but always remember you're worth it! Karen
Thanks for sharing, Karen! No I haven’t heard of that book. I hit burnout in 2019 and thankfully, shifted my life around after. Glad to connect here. 🙏🏻
I’ve only read the intro to Let them theory book and so your post comes with perfect timing. I personally purchased the book so that I could grow in permission with healthy boundaries, go deeper in surrendering what I can’t control, and take deeper ownership of my own life. Your post adds a much needed perspective (such a well rounded view) to keep in my mind as I start reading the book. After spending time last year learning about the nervous system and how to be attuned to our bodies cues, I won’t disregard what I’m feeling and experiencing in my body-as I’m going through the book. Thanks for sharing such healthy “reminders” for those of us on the journey of nervous system health. Or maybe what you shared is a new concept for others. Thank you so much for the time and detail you put into this.
Thanks for sharing, Liz! Yes, I do think this book can help so many with permission and holding boundaries. I can't wait to hear how it goes as you integrate all you've learned about the nervous system with these ideas from Let Them!
As I was reading and because you tied this in with other motivational "super-stars" (not meant as a pejorative) it occurred to me that while I love Tony Robbins, Zig, Napolean Hill and the acolytes they birthed - they all seemed to be missing something - as you felt with this piece.
My take, back then and today, is more centered in my "thinking brain", in that they were providing the 30,000', magical, sparkling, completed view, but barely speaking about or covering the mechanics of how it was created, and ascended to.
My anecdote would be me explaining the marvels and euphoria of flying a plane or free fall parachuting - in terms of "you just have to push forward and grab it", "conquer your fear", "want it so bad nothing stands in your way", "crave it until you can't pursue anything else"...etc.
And maybe briefly talking about the general path I took to both.
But never really walking people onto the literal, steppingstones, that paved my way through the pools of quicksand, in those pursuits.
It's the phenomenon I've experienced when being given new task/unfamiliar situation or just being pushed into the deep end. As you tread water - you think I have to write these specific steps and lessons down for the next person. But as you gain strength and are perfecting your strokes, those fundamentals fade. Your focus shifts to how your leading hand enters the water for the least amount of resistance in your freestyle stroke and then you find yourself telling the novices about the beauty of swimming and feeling like a dolphin powerfully cutting through the waves - before you tell them "Now, jump in the deep end and be the dolphin"
- And you thought your post was long -
Anyway, it's a great article and illustrates that no matter how beautiful the lit facade you see is, there was and is a lot of messy wiring that makes it possible, for those twinkling, blue LED lights to amaze the crowds.
Thank you for this! I literally laughed out loud at the free fall analogy. And I, too, find myself forgetting the step by step as my capacity increases. Great reminder!
A delayed comment, as I see you posted this last month haha but I came across it and wanted to chime in. I love Mel Robbins, AND also agree with your perspective. Sometimes mindset isn’t enough, and there are deeply rooted nervous system wounds that keep us exactly where we are. I mentioned this briefly in my last post. This read was so good!
Effective and individualized coping is complex. Your article is well said and addresses the complexities and range of responses that one might take. Right now, “let them” feels a bit like surrender in our political climate.
This is so great, I love that you are addressing this from the perspective of the nervous system, as well as feminine/masculine energy. There is such a temptation to find the quick fix. Unfortunately that is rarely possible.
Dear Reader,
Yes, I saw the repetitive paragraph in my most recent post and fixed it immediately. However, if you received it via email, there’s not much I can do except say:
I stand by my motto to take “imperfect action over perfected inaction,” and sometimes I miss an error before hitting publish.
Thank you,
Heidi
Let Them Theory was originally inspired by a poem entitled “Let Them” by artist Cassie Phillips. Mel was exposed to the poem, built her theory around its contexts, trademarked the phrase “Let Them,” effectively barring Phillips from monetizing her own poem. It’s possible some of the hesitations with her theory are also in the ways she plagiarized/ tried to extract a workable theory from what was originally a piece of art.
I read that after I wrote this! Come to think of it, I do remember the poem. And I think you’re right, sometimes I don’t always know what I’m sensing that’s “off” but I do believe that’s part of it. It’s crazy that she didn’t just acknowledge the poet! It wouldn’t have made her take on it any less … but not acknowledging her, AND changing the narrative to be about “her” theory going viral with tattoos and what not, is just another level of nasty. 🤮
YES. I have read that Substack, too. Long before the Let Them Theory came out, I had a weird relationship with Mel's work. Something that was just out of alignment with me. The Phillips story bummed me out. I know she's helped a lot of people, but that energy is not for me.
https://open.substack.com/pub/sagejustice/p/mel-robbins-and-plagiarism?r=1igd3l&utm_medium=ios
I’m finding myself anticipating the next published article by Heidi, here on substack. As someone who never listened to the cues her body was giving her, I read every word of this essay and even commonplaced it. And I have 16 notecards to prove it.
To speak to the Let Them message, at first I was pumping my fist in the air over it. But then it hit me too that this doesn’t work and isn’t appropriate, helpful, or healthy in all situations. So your points around the potential for emotional bypassing are valid, cautionary words to pay attention to.
I’m so glad you said this! I still like and appreciate so much about this theory. I’d love to hear how you plan to integrate it? What will you keep?
Well, I like the concept of acceptance and letting go of what we can’t control. It’s also helpful for me as a recovering people pleaser to think, “Let them” especially in a situation or relationship where I don’t have frequent interaction or their behavior doesn’t highly impact me in a negative way. It helps me offer grace and forgiveness as well, surrendering them to the Lord as judge, not me. I think there’s more, but I can’t access the article while I’m typing 😉
❤️🙌🏻
Love your article and the discussion.
For me, if we ‘let them’, when do we learn about rupture and repair? Key skills for a deep and healthy relationship. If something is off, I’m saying something, even if it’s just to ensure connection is maintained, even if I’m wrong and misread the cues that I thought created distance.
I’m not going to stay silent whilst distance is created through my own disengagement as I let them.
Also, and you talk about this… polyvagal theory, a huge part of my healing journey, and the work of Dr Dan Siegel on co regulation, and all the research on us being connection creatures… Let’s embrace the truth of all of this. That we heal relational wounds through healthy relationships.
So much about this book bothers me. Including Cassie being left out of the actual credit for the idea.
Yes, yes, yes! 🙌🏻
Wow Heidi, thank you so much for taking the time to write this. I haven't read Mel Robbins book (although I am curious about it) mostly because my gut feeling is somehow saying 'no'. Have you read Steve Biddulph's book Wild Creature Mind? It's based on Gendlin's work called Focusing and very much aligns with what you've written here. I have personal experience of burnout after living my life as a perfectionist, performing people pleaser and I'm 6 years into rewiring my brain and regulating a very dysregulated nervous system. No one writes about (I try to) the personal cost of being more assertive, tending to your own needs etc...the physical pain of feeling you're letting people down after a lifetime of trying to please everyone is excruciating! I always used to say I was invincible and had little idea what I was doing to myself, but now I'm more aware and less self critical, I'm slowly feeling more integrated. This is lifelong stuff, not a quick fix with no pushback. For anyone contemplating the journey, I'd say buckle up for a rough ride, but always remember you're worth it! Karen
Thanks for sharing, Karen! No I haven’t heard of that book. I hit burnout in 2019 and thankfully, shifted my life around after. Glad to connect here. 🙏🏻
It's an excellent book and Focusing is fascinating. Definitely worth a look.
Dear Heidi, thank you so much for referencing my article in your beautiful one, here. I appreciate you sharing! 🙏
It’s definitely way out of range for me to talk about so I just directed to the expert. You have the best info on that topic!
Thank you so much for saying that! (Sorry, not sure why I didn't see this before!)
I’ve only read the intro to Let them theory book and so your post comes with perfect timing. I personally purchased the book so that I could grow in permission with healthy boundaries, go deeper in surrendering what I can’t control, and take deeper ownership of my own life. Your post adds a much needed perspective (such a well rounded view) to keep in my mind as I start reading the book. After spending time last year learning about the nervous system and how to be attuned to our bodies cues, I won’t disregard what I’m feeling and experiencing in my body-as I’m going through the book. Thanks for sharing such healthy “reminders” for those of us on the journey of nervous system health. Or maybe what you shared is a new concept for others. Thank you so much for the time and detail you put into this.
I agree, Liz. It’s such a thorough look at the message of “Let Them!”
Thanks for sharing, Liz! Yes, I do think this book can help so many with permission and holding boundaries. I can't wait to hear how it goes as you integrate all you've learned about the nervous system with these ideas from Let Them!
That was a banger, Heidi!
As I was reading and because you tied this in with other motivational "super-stars" (not meant as a pejorative) it occurred to me that while I love Tony Robbins, Zig, Napolean Hill and the acolytes they birthed - they all seemed to be missing something - as you felt with this piece.
My take, back then and today, is more centered in my "thinking brain", in that they were providing the 30,000', magical, sparkling, completed view, but barely speaking about or covering the mechanics of how it was created, and ascended to.
My anecdote would be me explaining the marvels and euphoria of flying a plane or free fall parachuting - in terms of "you just have to push forward and grab it", "conquer your fear", "want it so bad nothing stands in your way", "crave it until you can't pursue anything else"...etc.
And maybe briefly talking about the general path I took to both.
But never really walking people onto the literal, steppingstones, that paved my way through the pools of quicksand, in those pursuits.
It's the phenomenon I've experienced when being given new task/unfamiliar situation or just being pushed into the deep end. As you tread water - you think I have to write these specific steps and lessons down for the next person. But as you gain strength and are perfecting your strokes, those fundamentals fade. Your focus shifts to how your leading hand enters the water for the least amount of resistance in your freestyle stroke and then you find yourself telling the novices about the beauty of swimming and feeling like a dolphin powerfully cutting through the waves - before you tell them "Now, jump in the deep end and be the dolphin"
- And you thought your post was long -
Anyway, it's a great article and illustrates that no matter how beautiful the lit facade you see is, there was and is a lot of messy wiring that makes it possible, for those twinkling, blue LED lights to amaze the crowds.
Thank you for this! I literally laughed out loud at the free fall analogy. And I, too, find myself forgetting the step by step as my capacity increases. Great reminder!
A delayed comment, as I see you posted this last month haha but I came across it and wanted to chime in. I love Mel Robbins, AND also agree with your perspective. Sometimes mindset isn’t enough, and there are deeply rooted nervous system wounds that keep us exactly where we are. I mentioned this briefly in my last post. This read was so good!
So glad it resonated, Cayla! I’ll check out your post.
Effective and individualized coping is complex. Your article is well said and addresses the complexities and range of responses that one might take. Right now, “let them” feels a bit like surrender in our political climate.
Fantastic story / processing it all thankyou
Thank you for reading!
This is extremely well-written & informative. Thank you ❤️
Thank you for reading!
Heidi this is so good!! And so thorough! Thank you for articulating in more depth how Mel Robbins both hits and misses the mark with her book. 🙏🏼
Thank you, Eliza! 🙏🏻
This is so great, I love that you are addressing this from the perspective of the nervous system, as well as feminine/masculine energy. There is such a temptation to find the quick fix. Unfortunately that is rarely possible.
It’s so tempting though, isn’t it!
Thanks for the restack!